Discovering myself after an abusive relationship!!!!!!

So many women today are dealing with some form of abuse. Statistics show that it takes a woman being abused 7 times minimum before walking away from an abusive relationship. Growing up, I’ve seen women in abusive relationships and I thought to myself, "I could never stay with a man that abuses me." But then it happened. I fell in love and got engaged to who I thought, at the time, was my future husband. Boy, was I wrong! The relationship became abusive mentally, physically, verbally, and emotionally, and for the first time in life, I genuinely feared for my life. The amount of fear I felt was paralyzing me more and more each day. Even though I was free to walk out the door, it felt like a leash was tied around my neck like a caged animal. I can recall multiple nights texting my parents and grandparents and my friends and family, telling them that I love them out fear of never seeing them again. Every day that I woke up was a blessing. I wanted to leave. I planned my escape on so many occasions, but I was too afraid to leave. The situation got to where I could only communicate with my family members for only a certain amount of time before he would become enraged. Every time I would go to visit I can only stay a little while because he made me feel uncomfortable about visiting. In my mind, I didn’t want to wake up the beast. 

He made me feel bad about wearing heels and pretty clothes. He would prefer I wear baggy sweatpants and no makeup. Everything I went through in my past, I was judged for it. I was afraid to answer his questions because if I didn’t respond with the answer he wanted to hear, he would choke me and slam me into walls. I threatened to call the police, but at this point, he wasn’t afraid. I cried and had many sleepless nights. He didn’t want me to have anything. He wanted me to depend on him for everything. I wanted to reach out for help, but truthfully I didn’t know how. I would have a conversation with people and be screaming on the inside hoping they would see my hurt and rescue me. The situation was unfamiliar to me. Sometimes I would sit in disbelief thinking this is not my life. Until I’m looking at blood in the sink and staring at the bruises on my arms and legs. I would look in the mirror and not recognize the person I was looking at. The fear I experienced I didn’t know existed, and it was hard to explain. Individuals who are victims are shamed and talked about because they remain in abusive relationships. The truth of the matter is, it is extremely hard to walk away because of the destruction and mental abuse.


 Women lose their confidence, their identity,  their self worth and ask questions like, "Am I good enough?" or believe they are the problem and deserve it and so much more. One day you wake up and stare in the mirror and ask yourself, "Who am I?" You feel violated, abandoned, empty and alone. Although these experiences happen behind closed doors, it is extremely embarrassing.  It makes it tough to ask for help. I was so disturbed by my situation I only told my best friend at the time which is now my husband. I finally escaped my situation, and it's all because of prayer and courage. I knew I had to forgive him, but every time I considered letting go I got angrier. At that point I thought to let go meant he would get away with what he did, not realizing I was only hurting myself. I had allowed bitterness, resentment, hurt and self-pity to rule in my life.

  I had severe trust issues after that relationship, but as my relationship with God increased, Jesus became my best friend it helped me through the  PTSD(Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). One night in Bible study my Pastor said, "There is peace in your decision making." That night I made a decision to forgive my abuser, and I found peace in my decision making. It wasn't until after I overcame my situation, that I realized how fear had taken over my life and was holding me captive. I had to learn how to trust God in every area of my life and then I begin to realize who I am; I realized I was the daughter of a King, a royal priesthood, and that I was beautifully and wonderfully made in the eyesight of God. I took my brokenness, bitterness, anger, and fear to the foot of the cross. I told God to make me whole again. I told God to take away my cold heart and give me his love. I reminded him of 2 Corinthians 12:9, "And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly, therefore, will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." At my weakest point in life, his grace was sufficient for me and his strength is perfect in my weakness.

   It's not enough to survive an abusive situation: you have to overcome it. Writing to you today is an indication that I overcame my situation. If God did it for me, then he will surely do it for you. God loves us so much. He sees every tear and hears every prayer. You are not alone. Jesus is with you every step of the way. Keep your faith steadfast, immovable, and always abounding in the Lord and never doubt him. Healing is the children's bread. God has divine healing and deliverance just for you. I decree and declare that whatever has you bound in the spirit, loose you right now in the name of Jesus. I pray that the chains be broken off your feet and off your hands. I pray that your mind and your spirit is free from the confinement in Jesus name. I decree and declare freedom in your mind, freedom in your heart, freedom from your traumatic experience. It is in Jesus name we pray. Amen. Never stop loving yourself and whatever you do don’t give up on God because he hasn’t given up on you. I pray God provides strength and courage to everyone who is dealing with some form of abuse and always remember: Your identity is in God!!